frustrated

This whole process is just so damn frustrating. The whole getting over it thing. 'A', being divorced, being a single mom, having my dreams and vision for the future ripped out from under my feet... I just want to be over it and done with - but I think it is one of those things that you never truly get completely over - there will always be a scar. I just don't want it to burden me. I don't want it to negatively influence me. I want to learn from my mistakes, from his, and move on.

I'm over 'A' in most ways - memories still have a tendency to flood my mind at the most random times. They are tied to places, people, things...I think the hardest part is that they are all good memories. My tendency is to want to just look at 'A' now and see this person he is (a worsening of who he always has been - a natural progression, I suppose, because he didn't deal with his issues) and not think about the fact that we were happy together, at one point. I want to not remember. But I think I need to. I think I need to take the time, occasionally, to sift through memories, examine them, and then put them away.

I hate being divorced. I loved being married. I want to be married again. But I want to skip over all the other stuff. I just want to fast forward to happily married. I want certainties, and life doesn't really offer those. I want to know that I will find a good, godly man to love and to be loved by - someone of integrity and moral courage - someone who will love me and Jaden the way we should be loved - not for selfish, self fulfilling reasons. I think the hardest part is the not knowing. I may be single the rest of my life. I fear that. I do my best to give it to God - I know he has a perfect plan, that he can see all possibilities (I don't buy into predestination) and work good out of them. But his plan may not be what I want, and I need to be able to put aside my agenda and be content with his.

I am already getting a good sense of how difficult it will be to be a single mom. I love Jaden so very much, and I want him to have a 'normal' family - but he won't, because of what A has done (I suppose I could write out his name, but I generally don't like to see it! :) ). I want him to have a dad in the picture - an everyday dad, not a weekly/biweekly dad who has a life elsewhere that is more important to him. I feel some guilt along with regret, because I chose to love A. I chose to marry him. Of course, Jaden wouldn't be Jaden without A - but I feel badly that I was so naive, that I didn't see this coming, that I refused to see anything wrong with A - that I trusted him and placed him before God in my life. I do think the Lord was trying to warn me, especially towards the end, that something was wrong. I could feel it. I just pushed it off to the side. Fool.

I don't want to wallow in self pity. I guess there is the task of finding a balance - living with things as they are, moving past things by contemplating and evaluating them - and also not wasting my time focusing on it so much that it robs me of my joy and makes me feel sorry for myself. I have seen the good that the Lord has brought to me through this mess - I have Jaden, and he is an incredible gift and blessing. I now appreciate and am more aware of the love of family and friends. My faith is stronger, my sense of self is stronger and more confident. I just lack patience. I want to know my life story before it is done. And that is impossible, I can't know what hasn't happened yet.