Daisies, etc.

I love daisies.
As I write this I'm looking at the lovely daisy afghan that Barbie made and gave to 'A' and I (can't remember if it was shower or wedding gift...). I've gotten rid of a lot of 'us' gifts, but this one I'll keep forever. I'm reminded, as I look at it, of the beautiful daisy centerpieces that we had at our reception, my daisy & rose bouquet... Seems like another life, a different world or something. I was so happy that day. I think he was too - though he has since told himself otherwise, I'm sure.

I'm also reminded of the daisies in my mom's garden, and of the adorable daisy filled yellow ducky planter that my parents' brought to the hospital when Jaden was born. Daisies are happy flowers, I'll always love them. I'm not going to let memories of my dead marriage destroy that.

It's weird, I find myself wondering what it was like for 'a' to go through all the wedding planning stuff again. I find it all rather disgusting. Him doing that, you know? Did he feel any guilt? any sense that what he was doing was wrong? has he blocked out the Lord's voice entirely?

He doesn't know if he'll be able to see Jaden this Sunday - guess his son isn't worth his time - his loss, but poor Jaden...I pray 'a' can learn to be a decent dad, though I doubt it. Maybe it would be better if he didn't, if he takes off...I really don't know at this point. Ugh.

anyway...

I'm trying to set some mini goals for myself. I feel like I lost part of myself when I was married to 'a' - because I put him 1st, more often than not, and because I let him determine what our lives would be like. I thought I was doing the right thing - he was the husband, the leader, right? But I think, even though the husband should be the leader, that there should have been more equal distribution of things. What I wanted and thought should have been more important to him. I should have realized that and made it clear to him. Blah, blah, blah...

mini goals -

So, I would like to:

start exercising more regularly - I'd like to eventually get back to college running shape/speed - but for a mini goal, I'd like to be able to run an 8:30 mile by the fall (in time for the Halloween Hustle 5k - family tradition that I haven't participated in the past couple years).

learn more about things that interest me and figure out if I can do anything to help - the current slavery problem, 3rd world country problems (aids, starvation, disease, etc.),

be less materialistic (I wonder if our country is the biggest promoter of slavery/indentured servanthood since we want so much stuff for so little $$)

learn how to be a good mom :)

get some kind of a plan in place so I will be able to afford my own place in the next couple of years (had to revise it since 'a' will apparently be getting away with giving so little child support - I'm not a money hog, but his contribution won't even cover 1/5 the cost of daycare each month when I go back to work in the fall...)

eat all the veggies, fruits, and funky healthy foods (go tempeh!!) that 'a' didn't like and that we therefore didn't have around :)

well, that's a start anyway...