Carrying

I was driving in the car to Jaden's 2 month appointment yesterday, thinking, like I usually do, about all kinds of things. The car is a good place for thinking (don't worry, I still pay attention to the road! though I have missed an exit occasionally!!). I was thinking about 'a's visit - thinking about the past year - when I realized that I still love 'a'. Not the same kind of love. Not a husband/wife love, not a physically attracted love (that is long gone - something about him being with another totally turned me off on that), but a compassionate type of love. I care about him. I want him to do the right thing, whatever that is now, and I want him to repent, and more for his sake now than for me wanting him to admit his wrongs.

I had been praying that Jesus would help me love 'a' the way I should love everyone. I think that is starting to happen. It's not perfect - or close to it - I still have moments where there is anger and bad feelings towards him. But it's a start. It's better than what it was. I think about Yancey's words on Grace and Forgiveness, and feel like I'm taking steps in the right direction.

As I was thinking this, U2's "One" came on the radio. I don't pretend to know what they wrote the song about, but when I heard this:

One love, one blood, one life, you got to do what you should.
One life with each other: sisters, brothers.
One life, but we're not the same.
We get to carry each other, carry each other.
One, one.


It just made me think - 'a' and I are not the same - he doesn't have the same values, strengths, weaknesses that I do. His personality and character have been formed and changed by things in his life and by his own personal decisions (some of which were sinful). I can understand why he did what he did, though he should have chosen the better way. He's always been more of an emotional, feeling decision - maker. I've generally been more analytical and rational. That was part of what had made us a good couple, even at cpac they said we were a good balance for each other, and I think that was true. I made mistakes too. He was/is a control freak, and I became an enabler. In some ways, I suppose I contributed to what happened. Maybe I should have been more of a b*tch about things - he didn't have to work hard to make me happy. As an enabler, I didn't do him any favors. I'm not placing a ton of blame on myself, but I have to be aware of my part in the relationship failing. If not, I'll make the same mistakes if placed in a similar situation. Not that I'm saying I have to become a b*tch, but I do need to be more assertive in relationships, or maybe with someone else, it wouldn't be a problem, I don't know. 'A' was my first boyfriend, so I only have my relationship with him to base things off of.

We are no longer a couple, and so, I don't have the same responsibilities towards 'a' - but I can continue to pray for him, to 'carry' him, and her, to the Lord. They are still my brother & sister in Christ, though I think there walk is distorted. I'm sure mine is too - I don't suppose any of us have it exactly right. I do think they are more off base than many people I know - but that is something they will have to discover on their own. They won't listen to anyone.

As a sister in Christ, I'm called to sort of bridge the gap for them, in prayer, in the hopes that they will repent and get right with God. I think if they don't, mistakes will be repeated, the enemy will have his way again, and their marriage won't last. While they have sinned, I don't feel vindictive, and I don't want another marriage destroyed. I also believe they need to repent to be right with God - and if they don't...well, when the Bible talks about unrepentence, it's pretty serious. We all have sins that we probably aren't aware of, or don't confess - but this seems different. Maybe because it keeps leading to more sin (lying).

It isn't easy - and I wish I could say I was more consistent in how I feel. After Jaden's dr's appt., I wasn't feeling it as much because Jaden had bawled his poor little heart out after getting his shots, and I felt so sorry for him and was feeling pissed that he didn't have a 'real' dad. An everyday dad, you know? A dad who would be there for all that stuff, or be around later on to love him. Not that I want joint custody - that would be worse, I think. He needs consistency. Joint is too hard on kids - I see it with the kids I teach. Divorce just sucks. Even if I am blessed with a godly man to be my husband, Jaden will never have a 'normal' family. And while I know that over 1/2 the kids in America have divorced parents or are raised by a single mom, it doesn't mean that that is the way it should be.

When I think about that sort of thing, that brings up anger and makes it more difficult for me to focus on grace. But I am praying that that gets easier to do, that the rawness of all this goes away.


Well, this is all rather rambly. Hope it makes some sense.