visit

thanks Barbie :) Posting on this blog is helpful for me - even though I think you & I are the only ones who visit it :)
I know don't say it enough - you are an awesome friend & I value your words & prayers more than you know. I can't regret my time with 'a' because of Jaden, and because through him I met you & TJ and others who are now dear friends.


The visit went ok. It was sort of funny - Lanny opened the door - I was glad 'a' had to see someone he once called a friend. The dog was barking and Lanny made a funny comment (to us, probably not to 'a') about the fact that she might bite or something in response to something 'a' asked. It made for a good laugh after.

Like the last time, I had so many things I wanted to say (did you even think about anyone else? do you have any idea how hard it is to do this alone (being a mom w/o a husband? do you think he's going to respect you at all when he is old enough to realize how selfish you are (and will undoubtedly continue to be)? etc., you know). But I kept my mouth shut. I was polite. Just talked about Jaden. I did mention how it was difficult, but not in a way that was attacking. Jaden was having a rough part of the day, and while I don't like to see him uncomfortable (his diaper thing - I think I pinched his sac with a diaper a few days ago - have his 2 month today, so I'll ask the dr. what's up - and he was overtired from not sleeping because he was uncomfortable), I was glad that 'a' saw his 'unhappy/hard to figure out how to help him ' side too. 'a' couldn't figure out how to help him, I gave him suggestions (as he was holding), I tried diaper change, diaper off, and eventually Jaden fell asleep.

I did catch 'a' looking at me with a strange look on his face when I was trying to help Jaden & saying how I hated it when I couldn't - like a look of caring (?) and some guilt I think. Which sort of pissed me off. It's easier to think of 'a' as being just the bad guy and not having any compassion - easier for me to think he doesn't care about anyone but himself - he does, it's just that he comes first in his life because he is so selfish. I wonder what will happen when this 'high' wears off in a year or two?

He stayed for just the hour (had to go, he said) and asked if he could visit again this coming weekend. Which I said was fine.

He misses out on so much with Jaden - I don't think he'll ever realize (unless they have kids) and maybe won't even care. At 2 months (today!) Jaden is in his attachment phase (according to books) - learning to love me - and people he sees often (like my parents, friends). He is smiling, laughing, 'talking', etc. and 'a' is missing it all.