"I wish you were a stranger, I could disengage"

( Over My Head, The Fray)


i don't know why this has to be so hard.

Some days i think i'm ok, days like today when i don't, i wonder if i really am on the other days or if i'm lying to myself.

i'm exhausted. Physically, mentally & emotionally. Surrounded by people, yet i feel so alone sometimes. Wondering when i'll get to a point when i don't think about him in some way or another.

i hate that he created this mess and yet has been 'rewarded', if you can call it that, with a new marriage. i think of what he has done, and all he has left behind, and know he isn't in a better place - but he also isn't alone.

i look at Jaden, think of friends and family, & tell myself I am so blessed.
i get angry at myself when I let the other junk get me down - am i so ungrateful?

But i am sad today, and can't seem to shake it off.

i know i should get ready & go to church, but i don't think i can today. It might be the best place for me at this moment, but the effort to get ready (showering, doing hair etc., getting Jaden ready - who, by the way, has something funky going on in the diaper area - can't tell if he is getting a rash, irritated from the disposable diaper stuff, or what, but he has not been happy with that & i feel so friggin' clueless sometimes & start feeling sorry for myself because i don't have a husband to help me - shit) is to much to do.

i'm still carrying an extra 15 lbs, hormone wackiness is screwing with me, and i need a haircut. i know - i'm only 8 weeks post - but i want to at least feel like i can conrol my body & what's happening to it.
i can hear You say 'give it time, look what you have in exchange - a lovely baby boy' and i know that is true.
i am so blessed.
So why am i having a pity party today?

"Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord."
Psalm 27:14

I know. I'm trying. I just wish it were easier.