What's next?
I have so little patience when it comes to waiting on & for things. I know I've said I wish I could fast forward to a place where things are the way I want them to be - or at least where things are farther behind me - and I do still wish that sometimes (ok, often). But I am beginning to realize, too, that the journey to get to those places is something I should look forward to as well. It's along that journey path that growth occurs. And it's along that path that memories are made. If I focus too much on the future, I miss out on what the present has to offer. And if it doesn't seem the present has much to offer, than I'm not looking hard enough, and I'm not appreciating what I have in front of me - so shame on me.
That said, I do wonder - where do I go from 'here' to get 'there', you know? What do I need to be doing now? I've thought often of moving down to NC - my sister Beth lives down there with her hubby, and my cousin Pam is moving down there with her family - to the same area of NC. I could afford a house down there (would be several years here - probably at least 5 - or I'd be in a tiny apartment style condo - Jaden would have to be out of daycare - that costs as much as a mortgage payment here!), daycare would be cheaper, and I'd be making about the same amount of $. I wouldn't have to worry about how to do things like shovel out my car in the winter, with a baby/young child to care for. And I just sort of feel like I need a change of place. But do I? Is it God's leading, or mine? I'm still not sure, and so I just need to sit & pray on it.
If I move, I leave behind family, and very dear friends. Starting over from scratch (nearly) alone is very scary. When 'a' & I were considering the move to Florida for the church plant, I didn't mind so much what I was leaving behind - because I knew I would have 'a' there with me, and I thought of it as a great adventure. By myself - it is exciting to think about, but scary too.
I also have to consider Jaden & 'a's relationship. I owe it to Jaden to give 'a' a chance to be a good dad. So it wouldn't be a good thing to move away - though 'a' won't commit to staying in the area for Jaden's sake...so I just don't know.
Of course, Jaden is 2 months, and 'a' has seen him for a total of 2 hours (2 - 1 hour visits - he imposed his own time limit), I think my sister's hubby would choose to spend more time with Jaden than his own dad.
Any thoughts anyone?
posted by DebP @ 9:02 AM
4 Comments
4 Comments:
Personally, I think you need to stay wherever there is the best male role figure for your son. I believe that may be your father. He needs DAILY interaction with a male family member. Have you ever heard of Dr. Laura Schlennger? She is a Jewish talk show psychologist but her main theme is that kids come first. I highly recommend you look into her, her books, etc. I think she would have some very good advice regarding your thoughts to the move. Maybe you could even call into the show? I don't know. But she has very good advice and I often agree with her. But I think she would also say that Jaden must be with a male family member. But I could be wrong! ;-)
thanks annie - I'll check out her books today.
How was Ben's homecoming? Bet it was crazy busy! Hope you 2 have been able to get in some alone together time :)
Hmmm... I, too, struggle with waiting for things and trying to sort out what is God's nudging and what is my own rationalizing. The journey of life is hard enough when you are only responsible for you; but when you are the daily support for a child, every decision can be gut-wrenching.
Being a single parent with a son, I can relate to many of your feelings, but of course the details are different. Our son was a very mature ten years old when my ex left the family home. He (the ten year old that is...) handled the divorce quite well and was the only kid in a required class for kids of divorcing parents to answer "happy" when the teachers asked "How does your parents' divorce make you feel?"
When the instructors pressed him for an explanation (because they thought he was in denial) he told them with complete sincerity and self-assurance "My parents' divorce has absolutely nothing to do with me. They both love me. And they make each other miserable. I think we will all be happier if they live apart." The teachers told me later, this is a highly unusual response for a ten year old boy and wondered how we been able to gift him this confidence. I told them I didn't know for sure, but I guessed that our not hiding the truth of our reality had much to do with that.
My ex calls or IMs our son most nights and they see each other twice a year for about ten days at a time. Occasionally--when work schedules allow him to--my son's father will fly here for a weekend on the now fifteen year old's turf.
I think that my son--though he would never admit this--has really craved more consistent male role models in his life. And I definitely see how a lack of daily interaction with a male figure has impacted him emotionally and spiritually.
After the divorce my son and I stayed here in Florida even though we have absolutely no family here. We did, at that time, have a strong support network of friends and a church family. God seems to have been pulling apart our cozy little nest one string and stick at a time. So we have decided to move closer to family. I'm very excited about the change.
All of that to say, if I were you, I'd pray and ask God to close and open doors and help you to feel some kind of assurance about what you decide to do. However, I also believe that if you are walking with God and abiding in His word, often there may not be a BEST path, but many options which He trusts you to choose. In these cases, whichever path you take, He will bless you as you walk it.
My prayers are with you as you make some tough decisions. Oh, (And this part is completely NOT what you would hear in most Christian circles.), if you feel really torn between two choices, you might try a technique I read about in some crazy self-help book.
Label one option "heads" and one option "tails." Then flip a coin and see what it tells you to do. If you feel like flipping it a second time and going for two out of three, your subconscious is probably leaning toward the other option.
ttm - thank you so very much -
this:
"And I definitely see how a lack of daily interaction with a male figure has impacted him emotionally and spiritually."
is good to know.
I live in a community type house (3, soon to be 4, other couples & myself), so Jaden will have 'uncles' but it is not a permanent thing - and he probably needs a permanent male. Which I suppose could be my dad. I know if I moved to NC my sister's hubby wouldn't be an everyday thing. Damn. I hate how my ex's rotten choices continue to mess with my life, and Jaden's.
I'm glad to hear that your son has handled it so well - gives me hope that Jaden will be ok too. Thank you.
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