saying goodbye is never easy

I met up with Brian today - we had stuff to exchange. It was hard, but ok too. I know he didn't ever mean to hurt me - doesn't change the fact that he did - but we both made mistakes in this relationship. I wished him well, told him to be careful...I do hope she has changed. Part of me is angry with him, but I also understand wanting your marriage to be restored. Maybe if aaron hadn't gotten remarried, maybe if he had tried to come back...maybe I would have given him another chance. Maybe. I sort of doubt it, but I won't ever know. In some ways, I think all I went through with aaron getting remarried helped to 'grow' me to a point where I could see the unhealthiness of it all (our broken marriage). To where I could stand on my own two feet, and be strong. To not need to be with him, and come to a point where I truly did not want to be with him anymore.

As for Brian - I will pray for them. I was reminded recently, as I was reading another person's blog, that life is not about us. It is not about me. And if God can be honored and glorified by true restoration of their marriage, it is not my place to wish otherwise. I just hope that it really is happening - if it is what God wants - and that this is not something that will fall to pieces and hurt him again. Though I am angry with him, I don't want to see him hurt. I know - not my concern any longer, we all must face consequences of the choices we make. In any case, I will continue to pray that he allows God to restore him to who he needs to be to fulfill God's plan for his life.

In many ways I wish we had only been friends. I enjoyed talking with him and hanging out, and I will miss him. I know, lesson learned - should have been only a friendship - at least to begin with. I knew it, and so did he - we should have made sure he was free & clear (ok, mainly his responsibility, that, but I should have paid more attention to the warning signs too) before we allowed ourselves to love one another. I do think there was great potential there, but not with the unresolved business that there was.


So, I'm not about to rush into another relationship. Need time to reflect on the lessons learned here. Figure out why I made the mistakes I did, and figure out how not to make them again. It is hard - I know everyone has all kinds of advice about not rushing into things, maybe taking time just for me - but it is hard. Easy advice to give if you are married :) I know, I would have given it too! Just hard to follow when you are not :) and when you want so badly to be where you think you should be - happily loved and loving.