On my mind lately...

So, lately I've been thinking about things like social injustice, materialism, consumerism, community - all wrapped up around where I am at, where I want to be, where I should be...I get started thinking about all this stuff, and then life gets busy, I get all wrapped up in other things, and I forget about again until something reminds me. This time it was an article in Relevant (really, the whole mag gets me thinking about things) - 'Laying it down: learning to live with less in a culture of excess' that kicked it off.

It all just gets me thinking about how I don't live out the Christian life of simplicity, generousity and service that Christ calls me too. That I am selfish, unloving, and willing to forget about the fact that so many people have so much less than I do, that people around the world are dying from lack of clean water, medicine & food - while I'm off getting Starbucks' frappacino's & eating junk, yet telling myself I'm giving all that I can (moneywise). I just feel like such a hypocrite sometimes - and I'm not sure how to maintain this attitude of awareness or how to let it transform my life. I don't want to be satisfied with the mediocre level of christianity that I am at. I want to stretch myself, to live a simpler life, to do things that Christ wants me to do.

The article reminded me of why all this is so challenging - it is totally counter cultural - totally not what the 'American Dream' is all about. It is much easier to be 'me' focused. But I don't want to be that way - and I'm tired with the way I've been doing things - I'm just not really sure how to make this be a change of lasting reality.

Big happenings

So, thought I'd catch you all up a bit on what has been going on in my life. Jaden & I are doing well - he is getting soooo big - and he is so much fun :) Everyone comments on how adorable & alert he is :)

As I mentioned in my last post, God has brought someone amazing into my life. His name is Brian. He is a youth pastor, currently volunteering his time and gifts to work with the youth in his church. We have similar stories - his wife cheated on him and left him last year after he made incredible sacrifices and expended much effort to try to help her work through her mental illness. He is an incredible guy and I've really enjoyed getting to know him over the past few weeks.

We are both, naturally, being very careful & prayerful about everything. You know, I think one of the biggest blessings about going through all the crap that we both have been through is that we know what we want in a relationship and aren't afraid to just throw everything out on the table. No wonderings or worries, no games, it's all there for the other person to see. And I like what I see, and so does he - so its pretty cool to say the least :)

So I've met someone...

and he is AMAZING.

And all I can think of right now is how very awesome God is, and how very blessed I am.

A Crystal Bowl

So, still reading through What's So Amazing About Grace (took a break and was reading through Yancey's book on Prayer) and found this:

"The Benedictines...after giving instruction from the Bible, the leaders ask each one attending to identify issues that require forgiveness. Worshipers then submerge their hands in a large crystal bown of water, "holding" the grievance in their cupped hands. As they pray for the grace to forgive, gradually their hands open to symbolically "release" the grievance. "Enacting a ceremony like this with one's body (says a participant) possesses more transforming power than merely uttering the words, 'I forgive'".

How amazing - I bet you could apply that to anything that you are having trouble letting go of - anger, pain, etc. I love the idea of this...

Blessed sleep :)

Jaden slept from 11-4 last night - I got 5 successive hours of sleep - hoorah! What a difference it makes :)

You know, I'm really feeling ok about the whole 'a' thing. As I think back on this past year - all the great parts & sucky parts - I do feel blessed. While I would never have wanted this to happen, if it hadn't, I never would have realized what wonderful, loving friends I have, how fun and special it is to live in a community house, how strong God can make me when I let Him, the peace He can give, and that I can think & do for myself better than I thought. I think I allowed 'a' to let me feel insecure about a lot of things, and over time, became too dependent on his input/opinion. I do think you need to get input/opinion from a spouse about major things, but I was insecure in even the little things sometimes, and I think it is because he was so very critical of others - I think I subconciously wondered what he was thinking about me, and how I could make him happier with me.

The divorce was painful, and it still hurts - but I think I've come through to the other side with a better sense of myself, and a stronger 'me'. Not because I am strong, but because I allow the Lord to give me strength, peace, joy - more so now than I ever have in my life. Those things are always there for us, He is always ready to give them - but, at least with me, when things were going well (or so I thought anyway! lol) I didn't let Him, didn't ask Him, and didn't accept his help/guidance in my life the way I am learning to do now. I just wish there were some way for this to not affect Jaden, you know? If it was just about me, it would be easier. I worry about him - I know the Lord says not to worry, especially not about the future, but I struggle with it. I want the best for him - he is so innocent, and it seems so unfair for him to have to deal with this mess. Just one more reason God thinks divorce is sucky too.

Jaden

Has been asleep for almost 4 hours in his swing!!!

Yep, that's the extent of the excitement in my life :) at this moment - I am just amazed! Though, he didn't sleep all that well last night (I think because he had to poop).

'a' was supposed to see him yesterday, but cancelled last minute - had to work. So, he probably won't see him for at least another couple weeks. I can't imagine going that long without wanting to see your own baby - but, I think I've set my hopes too high in terms of father/son relationship. And, I would have to think that it is difficult for 'a' to see him (and me), even though I think he wants to see Jaden, because of the circumstances that he ('a') created by leaving me, divorcing me, marrying her, etc. And, let's face it, 'a' is a higher priority to 'a' than Jaden is - and it will likely always be that way.

Jaden is waking up - I'll bet he is starving :) He is sticking out his tongue & making all sorts of funny faces :)

a confession

I joined eharmony.com. Figured it was an easy way to ease into the whole scene again - and its easy enough to hold off if I decide it is too soon. They have a pretty good evaluation system set up. I found many similarities between what the program said about my personality & character & what I came out of cpac with - not a surprise, but good to know I'm consistent anyway :)

So, we'll see what happens - there are over 20,000 users - I've been sent about 10 matches - I'm somewhat interested in a couple, so I did the first communication step (you send your choice of 5 out of 57 multiple choice questions for the other to answer).

I'm slightly freaked out by it, but I never was into the dating scene - always did make me feel a little freaked out. All that initial awkwardness, wondering what the other person thought. Though, I am a stronger, more self assured person now... so maybe it would feel different. With 'a' it was so easy, I felt comfortable immediately...but, maybe I'll find that true again with someone else.