thank you Bono

In the latest issue of TIME magazine is an essay written by Bono. He is making a call to Europe to assist neighboring Africa, to thereby live up to the vision of what Europe was meant to be - by providing aid and protection to those less fortunate.

I've always been impressed by Bono's determination to call the attention of nations and organizations to the different issues plaguing Africa. He is using his influence and knowledge to be a force of good in our world. Whenever I hear about things he is doing, I think, 'wow, isn't that great!' and then continue to go about my life the same as before. I rationalize my ignorance about what is going on in the world, and my lack of response or action, by making excuses - I don't have the time/money/ability/notoriety etc. to make a difference. My apathetic attitude is bolstered by my own laziness, selfishness and materialistic tendencies. Instead of challenging myself to help the marginalized & oppressed, I retreat into my own little cocoon of indifference. I ignore the call of Christ in favor of the call of society to care only for myself and those dear to me.

Bono's essay challenges me to take a critical look at myself - my desires, priorities, values - and to turn these things over to Christ for review, judgement and change. In this essay, Bono states "Our humanity is diminished when we have no mission bigger than ourselves." and that "We discover who we are in service to one another, not the self.". How often have I whined and complained about my life - using the events and resulting circumstances to justify my indifference and inaction? How often have I been guilty of being so inwardly focused, that I forget about the horrors that others face - horrors that make my life seem so much more desireable in comparison? I am not a sex slave in Africa, have not had to undergo female circumcision/mutilation as a rite of passage, am not dying from AIDS, don't have to watch my son die from malnutrition, etc.

You know, I get so mad at 'a' & like to point the finger at him for his sins of selfishness, adultery, and dishonesty - yet I'm not any better than he. My sins are just more culturally acceptable. I try to make excuses and point my finger at him, but my indifference to the plight of others, my self-imposed ignorance and deliberate inaction regarding that, are every bit as sinful, and every bit as, if not more so, repulsive to God.

What's next?

I have so little patience when it comes to waiting on & for things. I know I've said I wish I could fast forward to a place where things are the way I want them to be - or at least where things are farther behind me - and I do still wish that sometimes (ok, often). But I am beginning to realize, too, that the journey to get to those places is something I should look forward to as well. It's along that journey path that growth occurs. And it's along that path that memories are made. If I focus too much on the future, I miss out on what the present has to offer. And if it doesn't seem the present has much to offer, than I'm not looking hard enough, and I'm not appreciating what I have in front of me - so shame on me.

That said, I do wonder - where do I go from 'here' to get 'there', you know? What do I need to be doing now? I've thought often of moving down to NC - my sister Beth lives down there with her hubby, and my cousin Pam is moving down there with her family - to the same area of NC. I could afford a house down there (would be several years here - probably at least 5 - or I'd be in a tiny apartment style condo - Jaden would have to be out of daycare - that costs as much as a mortgage payment here!), daycare would be cheaper, and I'd be making about the same amount of $. I wouldn't have to worry about how to do things like shovel out my car in the winter, with a baby/young child to care for. And I just sort of feel like I need a change of place. But do I? Is it God's leading, or mine? I'm still not sure, and so I just need to sit & pray on it.

If I move, I leave behind family, and very dear friends. Starting over from scratch (nearly) alone is very scary. When 'a' & I were considering the move to Florida for the church plant, I didn't mind so much what I was leaving behind - because I knew I would have 'a' there with me, and I thought of it as a great adventure. By myself - it is exciting to think about, but scary too.

I also have to consider Jaden & 'a's relationship. I owe it to Jaden to give 'a' a chance to be a good dad. So it wouldn't be a good thing to move away - though 'a' won't commit to staying in the area for Jaden's sake...so I just don't know.

Of course, Jaden is 2 months, and 'a' has seen him for a total of 2 hours (2 - 1 hour visits - he imposed his own time limit), I think my sister's hubby would choose to spend more time with Jaden than his own dad.

Any thoughts anyone?

Jaden - 2 months

Isn't he huge? :)

Carrying

I was driving in the car to Jaden's 2 month appointment yesterday, thinking, like I usually do, about all kinds of things. The car is a good place for thinking (don't worry, I still pay attention to the road! though I have missed an exit occasionally!!). I was thinking about 'a's visit - thinking about the past year - when I realized that I still love 'a'. Not the same kind of love. Not a husband/wife love, not a physically attracted love (that is long gone - something about him being with another totally turned me off on that), but a compassionate type of love. I care about him. I want him to do the right thing, whatever that is now, and I want him to repent, and more for his sake now than for me wanting him to admit his wrongs.

I had been praying that Jesus would help me love 'a' the way I should love everyone. I think that is starting to happen. It's not perfect - or close to it - I still have moments where there is anger and bad feelings towards him. But it's a start. It's better than what it was. I think about Yancey's words on Grace and Forgiveness, and feel like I'm taking steps in the right direction.

As I was thinking this, U2's "One" came on the radio. I don't pretend to know what they wrote the song about, but when I heard this:

One love, one blood, one life, you got to do what you should.
One life with each other: sisters, brothers.
One life, but we're not the same.
We get to carry each other, carry each other.
One, one.


It just made me think - 'a' and I are not the same - he doesn't have the same values, strengths, weaknesses that I do. His personality and character have been formed and changed by things in his life and by his own personal decisions (some of which were sinful). I can understand why he did what he did, though he should have chosen the better way. He's always been more of an emotional, feeling decision - maker. I've generally been more analytical and rational. That was part of what had made us a good couple, even at cpac they said we were a good balance for each other, and I think that was true. I made mistakes too. He was/is a control freak, and I became an enabler. In some ways, I suppose I contributed to what happened. Maybe I should have been more of a b*tch about things - he didn't have to work hard to make me happy. As an enabler, I didn't do him any favors. I'm not placing a ton of blame on myself, but I have to be aware of my part in the relationship failing. If not, I'll make the same mistakes if placed in a similar situation. Not that I'm saying I have to become a b*tch, but I do need to be more assertive in relationships, or maybe with someone else, it wouldn't be a problem, I don't know. 'A' was my first boyfriend, so I only have my relationship with him to base things off of.

We are no longer a couple, and so, I don't have the same responsibilities towards 'a' - but I can continue to pray for him, to 'carry' him, and her, to the Lord. They are still my brother & sister in Christ, though I think there walk is distorted. I'm sure mine is too - I don't suppose any of us have it exactly right. I do think they are more off base than many people I know - but that is something they will have to discover on their own. They won't listen to anyone.

As a sister in Christ, I'm called to sort of bridge the gap for them, in prayer, in the hopes that they will repent and get right with God. I think if they don't, mistakes will be repeated, the enemy will have his way again, and their marriage won't last. While they have sinned, I don't feel vindictive, and I don't want another marriage destroyed. I also believe they need to repent to be right with God - and if they don't...well, when the Bible talks about unrepentence, it's pretty serious. We all have sins that we probably aren't aware of, or don't confess - but this seems different. Maybe because it keeps leading to more sin (lying).

It isn't easy - and I wish I could say I was more consistent in how I feel. After Jaden's dr's appt., I wasn't feeling it as much because Jaden had bawled his poor little heart out after getting his shots, and I felt so sorry for him and was feeling pissed that he didn't have a 'real' dad. An everyday dad, you know? A dad who would be there for all that stuff, or be around later on to love him. Not that I want joint custody - that would be worse, I think. He needs consistency. Joint is too hard on kids - I see it with the kids I teach. Divorce just sucks. Even if I am blessed with a godly man to be my husband, Jaden will never have a 'normal' family. And while I know that over 1/2 the kids in America have divorced parents or are raised by a single mom, it doesn't mean that that is the way it should be.

When I think about that sort of thing, that brings up anger and makes it more difficult for me to focus on grace. But I am praying that that gets easier to do, that the rawness of all this goes away.


Well, this is all rather rambly. Hope it makes some sense.

Jaden Jogger

I bought this with some of the $ from selling my rings - I love it! And Jaden falls right to sleep :)

swing

I broke down & got one. Jaden loves to be held, and I love holding him, but this allows me to do things like eat, shower, laundry, etc. :)

visit

thanks Barbie :) Posting on this blog is helpful for me - even though I think you & I are the only ones who visit it :)
I know don't say it enough - you are an awesome friend & I value your words & prayers more than you know. I can't regret my time with 'a' because of Jaden, and because through him I met you & TJ and others who are now dear friends.


The visit went ok. It was sort of funny - Lanny opened the door - I was glad 'a' had to see someone he once called a friend. The dog was barking and Lanny made a funny comment (to us, probably not to 'a') about the fact that she might bite or something in response to something 'a' asked. It made for a good laugh after.

Like the last time, I had so many things I wanted to say (did you even think about anyone else? do you have any idea how hard it is to do this alone (being a mom w/o a husband? do you think he's going to respect you at all when he is old enough to realize how selfish you are (and will undoubtedly continue to be)? etc., you know). But I kept my mouth shut. I was polite. Just talked about Jaden. I did mention how it was difficult, but not in a way that was attacking. Jaden was having a rough part of the day, and while I don't like to see him uncomfortable (his diaper thing - I think I pinched his sac with a diaper a few days ago - have his 2 month today, so I'll ask the dr. what's up - and he was overtired from not sleeping because he was uncomfortable), I was glad that 'a' saw his 'unhappy/hard to figure out how to help him ' side too. 'a' couldn't figure out how to help him, I gave him suggestions (as he was holding), I tried diaper change, diaper off, and eventually Jaden fell asleep.

I did catch 'a' looking at me with a strange look on his face when I was trying to help Jaden & saying how I hated it when I couldn't - like a look of caring (?) and some guilt I think. Which sort of pissed me off. It's easier to think of 'a' as being just the bad guy and not having any compassion - easier for me to think he doesn't care about anyone but himself - he does, it's just that he comes first in his life because he is so selfish. I wonder what will happen when this 'high' wears off in a year or two?

He stayed for just the hour (had to go, he said) and asked if he could visit again this coming weekend. Which I said was fine.

He misses out on so much with Jaden - I don't think he'll ever realize (unless they have kids) and maybe won't even care. At 2 months (today!) Jaden is in his attachment phase (according to books) - learning to love me - and people he sees often (like my parents, friends). He is smiling, laughing, 'talking', etc. and 'a' is missing it all.

whatever

of course, he emails just this morning to say he can make a 2pm visit with Jaden - and reminds me he doesn't want to talk to anyone - as if they have anything they want to talk to him about

"I wish you were a stranger, I could disengage"

( Over My Head, The Fray)


i don't know why this has to be so hard.

Some days i think i'm ok, days like today when i don't, i wonder if i really am on the other days or if i'm lying to myself.

i'm exhausted. Physically, mentally & emotionally. Surrounded by people, yet i feel so alone sometimes. Wondering when i'll get to a point when i don't think about him in some way or another.

i hate that he created this mess and yet has been 'rewarded', if you can call it that, with a new marriage. i think of what he has done, and all he has left behind, and know he isn't in a better place - but he also isn't alone.

i look at Jaden, think of friends and family, & tell myself I am so blessed.
i get angry at myself when I let the other junk get me down - am i so ungrateful?

But i am sad today, and can't seem to shake it off.

i know i should get ready & go to church, but i don't think i can today. It might be the best place for me at this moment, but the effort to get ready (showering, doing hair etc., getting Jaden ready - who, by the way, has something funky going on in the diaper area - can't tell if he is getting a rash, irritated from the disposable diaper stuff, or what, but he has not been happy with that & i feel so friggin' clueless sometimes & start feeling sorry for myself because i don't have a husband to help me - shit) is to much to do.

i'm still carrying an extra 15 lbs, hormone wackiness is screwing with me, and i need a haircut. i know - i'm only 8 weeks post - but i want to at least feel like i can conrol my body & what's happening to it.
i can hear You say 'give it time, look what you have in exchange - a lovely baby boy' and i know that is true.
i am so blessed.
So why am i having a pity party today?

"Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord."
Psalm 27:14

I know. I'm trying. I just wish it were easier.

Daisies, etc.

I love daisies.
As I write this I'm looking at the lovely daisy afghan that Barbie made and gave to 'A' and I (can't remember if it was shower or wedding gift...). I've gotten rid of a lot of 'us' gifts, but this one I'll keep forever. I'm reminded, as I look at it, of the beautiful daisy centerpieces that we had at our reception, my daisy & rose bouquet... Seems like another life, a different world or something. I was so happy that day. I think he was too - though he has since told himself otherwise, I'm sure.

I'm also reminded of the daisies in my mom's garden, and of the adorable daisy filled yellow ducky planter that my parents' brought to the hospital when Jaden was born. Daisies are happy flowers, I'll always love them. I'm not going to let memories of my dead marriage destroy that.

It's weird, I find myself wondering what it was like for 'a' to go through all the wedding planning stuff again. I find it all rather disgusting. Him doing that, you know? Did he feel any guilt? any sense that what he was doing was wrong? has he blocked out the Lord's voice entirely?

He doesn't know if he'll be able to see Jaden this Sunday - guess his son isn't worth his time - his loss, but poor Jaden...I pray 'a' can learn to be a decent dad, though I doubt it. Maybe it would be better if he didn't, if he takes off...I really don't know at this point. Ugh.

anyway...

I'm trying to set some mini goals for myself. I feel like I lost part of myself when I was married to 'a' - because I put him 1st, more often than not, and because I let him determine what our lives would be like. I thought I was doing the right thing - he was the husband, the leader, right? But I think, even though the husband should be the leader, that there should have been more equal distribution of things. What I wanted and thought should have been more important to him. I should have realized that and made it clear to him. Blah, blah, blah...

mini goals -

So, I would like to:

start exercising more regularly - I'd like to eventually get back to college running shape/speed - but for a mini goal, I'd like to be able to run an 8:30 mile by the fall (in time for the Halloween Hustle 5k - family tradition that I haven't participated in the past couple years).

learn more about things that interest me and figure out if I can do anything to help - the current slavery problem, 3rd world country problems (aids, starvation, disease, etc.),

be less materialistic (I wonder if our country is the biggest promoter of slavery/indentured servanthood since we want so much stuff for so little $$)

learn how to be a good mom :)

get some kind of a plan in place so I will be able to afford my own place in the next couple of years (had to revise it since 'a' will apparently be getting away with giving so little child support - I'm not a money hog, but his contribution won't even cover 1/5 the cost of daycare each month when I go back to work in the fall...)

eat all the veggies, fruits, and funky healthy foods (go tempeh!!) that 'a' didn't like and that we therefore didn't have around :)

well, that's a start anyway...

a little bit of this and that

hullo

Jaden:

Jaden is doing better - still stuffy, snuffly nose - but his mood seems to have improved and he is smiling & gurgling & doing all those cute baby things.
He went in for his 1st rotavirus vaccine yesterday and was weighed - he weighs 11 lbs & 15 oz! He is nearly 25 inches now as well. I am amazed at how quickly he grows and love all the new things that come about day by day. Even his farts & burps are adorable :)

Ponderings:
Thinking about 'a' today. I try not to think too much about him, because when I do, I get angry about what he has done, and sad for me & Jaden. It's not that I want him back - he's married again, so that is impossible. I just feel sadness about what could have, and should have, been. I know I've said I feel like I never really knew him - someone asked me about that the other day. I realized I did know him - for the most part - I just didn't realize what could happen. I can understand how he could have gotten into certain things, how he could have done certain things - and if he had stayed and tried to work on our marriage, I could have forgiven those things and seen it as an opportunity for growth for both of us. But he didn't. The part of him I may never fully understand - the part of him that allowed him to leave me, to be talking marriage with another woman 2 weeks after leaving, the part that didn't care that I was pregnant, the part of him that saw Jaden as a 'complication' and wanted me to miscarry (even after going through a horrible miscarriage with me the year before) the part that could ditch his friends and tell lies about them and me (we are all crazy Christians, by the way) - that's the part that makes me feel like I never really knew him - because I just didn't think he was capable of such awful callousness.

I try not to think of it all too much - I think there is a fine line between dwelling on it and analyzing and learning from it. I've decided it is wasteful thinking to dwell. It doesn't do me, or anyone else, any good. I want to be positive, to think about my future - single, or if I'm blessed with someone, and with Jaden - and be excited about the possibilities. I don't want to think of myself as divorced and miserable because of it. I want to see myself as just single, and I want to love all that that can offer me too.

Grace:
I'm reading "What's So Amazing About Grace" by Phillip Yancey. It was recommended by another person who has gone through a divorce. I'm really enjoying the book. Not in a 'fun' enjoyment type way, but in a challenging, stretching, making me uncomfortable type of enjoyment way.

Yancey quotes C.S. Lewis "To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable, because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you."

I had always thought about grace in terms of someone having to admit to wrongdoing before I showed them grace. Like 'a'. I didn't want to offer him grace because he is unwilling to say, maybe even believe, that anything has done is wrong. Yancey is challenging me to change that thought pattern. The whole point of grace is that it is undeserved. I don't deserve it, 'a' doesn't, but I have been shown grace, and must show it to others in turn. Even if it is difficult and challenges me beyond anything I've ever known.

I find myself thinking 'I don't want 'a' to think I'm ok with what he has done/is doing. He'll think I'm ok with it if I show grace. He'll feel ok about what he has done.' etc. But God isn't going to judge me based on what 'a' thinks. He's going to judge me based on what I think and how I act because of that.

Yancey also details the history of a family which has been plagued by 'ungrace' for generations. It's like it is a curse, passed down, never overcome. I don't want to do that to Jaden and successive generations.

Speaking of, I hear the little guy waking up...sorry if this is jumbly, no time to make it pretty!!

Jaden

Jaden has a cold :(

please pray for him...thank you

nba

I love Newcastle Brown Ale. I don't drink often, nor do I drink very much. I just really enjoy a good beer.
I had some nba today. First beer since I found out I was pregnant last May.

It was really good.

frustrated

This whole process is just so damn frustrating. The whole getting over it thing. 'A', being divorced, being a single mom, having my dreams and vision for the future ripped out from under my feet... I just want to be over it and done with - but I think it is one of those things that you never truly get completely over - there will always be a scar. I just don't want it to burden me. I don't want it to negatively influence me. I want to learn from my mistakes, from his, and move on.

I'm over 'A' in most ways - memories still have a tendency to flood my mind at the most random times. They are tied to places, people, things...I think the hardest part is that they are all good memories. My tendency is to want to just look at 'A' now and see this person he is (a worsening of who he always has been - a natural progression, I suppose, because he didn't deal with his issues) and not think about the fact that we were happy together, at one point. I want to not remember. But I think I need to. I think I need to take the time, occasionally, to sift through memories, examine them, and then put them away.

I hate being divorced. I loved being married. I want to be married again. But I want to skip over all the other stuff. I just want to fast forward to happily married. I want certainties, and life doesn't really offer those. I want to know that I will find a good, godly man to love and to be loved by - someone of integrity and moral courage - someone who will love me and Jaden the way we should be loved - not for selfish, self fulfilling reasons. I think the hardest part is the not knowing. I may be single the rest of my life. I fear that. I do my best to give it to God - I know he has a perfect plan, that he can see all possibilities (I don't buy into predestination) and work good out of them. But his plan may not be what I want, and I need to be able to put aside my agenda and be content with his.

I am already getting a good sense of how difficult it will be to be a single mom. I love Jaden so very much, and I want him to have a 'normal' family - but he won't, because of what A has done (I suppose I could write out his name, but I generally don't like to see it! :) ). I want him to have a dad in the picture - an everyday dad, not a weekly/biweekly dad who has a life elsewhere that is more important to him. I feel some guilt along with regret, because I chose to love A. I chose to marry him. Of course, Jaden wouldn't be Jaden without A - but I feel badly that I was so naive, that I didn't see this coming, that I refused to see anything wrong with A - that I trusted him and placed him before God in my life. I do think the Lord was trying to warn me, especially towards the end, that something was wrong. I could feel it. I just pushed it off to the side. Fool.

I don't want to wallow in self pity. I guess there is the task of finding a balance - living with things as they are, moving past things by contemplating and evaluating them - and also not wasting my time focusing on it so much that it robs me of my joy and makes me feel sorry for myself. I have seen the good that the Lord has brought to me through this mess - I have Jaden, and he is an incredible gift and blessing. I now appreciate and am more aware of the love of family and friends. My faith is stronger, my sense of self is stronger and more confident. I just lack patience. I want to know my life story before it is done. And that is impossible, I can't know what hasn't happened yet.

Sneaking in through the back door...

So - "A"s visit today actually went quite well. I could look at him and be separate - not feel any hurt, or anger, or sorrow. I could see him as simply 'Jaden's dad', and could be thankful that he was there, making the effort to know his son. I felt at peace, and I know that the prayers of friends, and the goodness of God, are to thank.

He stayed for a little over an hour. I filled him in on Jaden - what he was like, how things were going, etc. I could tell by the look on 'A's face that he felt something for Jaden. I hope it is love. 'A' at least seemed to enjoy spending time with him, and asked me to let him know when he could come again.

I felt really good about it. And I think the enemy knew that would happen. He knew he couldn't get to me that way. So he tried to sneak in another way -
'A' gave me a check in an envelope before he left. He said it was what he had calculated (using state website) child support to be for the months of February and March. He has recently changed jobs - I don't know what he is doing now. What I do know is that when I opened the envelope (after he left) the check was for significantly less than what the lawyer and I had estimated (based on the income from his previous job). And I started to become very angry. Just like satan wanted me to. II almost forgot to be thankful for how well the visit went.

Thank goodness for the calmness of others, and the leadings of the Spirit. I felt like I could hear the Lord telling me to chill out and be thankful - so I let it go.

Thank you for your prayers :) I know they made all the difference today.

Fixed it

ok - I figured out how to allow you to post without having to register - sorry about that...

you know what keeps running through my mind?

'die to self'

I think it is my new daily affirmation. I always hear of people saying 'say affirmations about you in the morning' - like 'i am special' or whatever - they always have a positive emphasis. I think too often I've seen 'die to self as a negative type of thing, because it is difficult to do. I want to see it as a positive thing. Only good can come of it. Whoever did anyone any good by waking up and saying 'I'm going to live just for myself today, and not care about anyone else'?

Wanting to be like Christ...

Always, but especially this Sunday. "A" is coming to see Jaden for the first time. Jaden will be just over 6 weeks. "A" is coming to the house at 2pm, staying for an hour. I haven't seen him since we signed the papers in September. It will be weird, to say the least. What I want? I want to be gracious, understanding, compassionate - not that I accept or condone his choices - but I want to be at peace, and I want to reflect the love of Christ in my actions, thoughts, and words...

It is no longer about "A" and I - his remarriage has killed all that - it is now about our son. And it has always been about the bigger picture - his soul...and hers. Because they have sinned, and are unrepentent - and I have sorrow in my heart for them because of that, because of what that will mean for them. Even though I am still angry and still striving towards forgiveness.

Please keep me and that day and time in your prayers...thank you...